I have always been a worrier. Or so it seems.
And if I’m not worrying, I worry that I’m not worrying – because surely there’s always something to worry about, right? Be it whether someone is OK, whether I’m parenting right, what will happen if xyz occurred – I’m great at finding things to worry about.
In the last few years I’ve really had to learn to stop worrying about finances – somehow we’ve come through a career change, two maternity leaves and now me leaving employment entirely, and we’ve seen a fair few miracles along the way. The pay rise of 50% that happened the day after we had a HUGE bill on the car and I was on maternity leave (I kid you not-genuinely 50%!), the bonuses paid just before we needed some extra money, and stepping out in faith to give more being rewarded with even more resources. I know in my head that it is impossible to outgive God, and yet, I still have to make a conscious decision to trust Him with our finances. To some it seems crazy that we live on what we do, and still tithe. And I’d be lying if I said I’ve never had moments where I’ve thought – ‘if we didn’t do that, then we’d have £x more each month – how nice that would be!’
But you know what? He has never let us down – every additional bill we have had, every unexpected expense, and even provision for some treats and nice things in life – all of them have been provided and from some very unexpected sources at times. I can see on my accounts spreadsheet (ahhh Excel how I love thee!) that it all works out.
Yet I worry. So I have to come back to what Jesus says about it all:
“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life–whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing?” (Matthew 6:25)
“Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need” (Matthew 6:33)
He already knows exactly what we need. I can plan, and forecast, and try and work it out – but I will never KNOW what we need. He does. And everyday, it’s a conscious decision to trust Him with it – yes, I need to be wise with what I have, there’s no justification for purely hedonistic living here, but I can relax and be secure in knowing that He already has what I need ready to give us – if I will only trust Him to do so.
There’s a beautiful peace in that.